Do you know how to say no?

To many of us, it’s hard to refuse something, especially at work or with people we care about. It’s like an invisible force that makes us always agree to what certain people ask. Let’s learn how to say no with kindness and respect.

First, let’s identify the people who know they can ask anything of us because we’ll always say yes: children, bosses, colleagues, parents, friends… Think about those figures who trigger that invisible force that makes you say yes, and then you wonder, “Why did I say yes?”

What is that invisible force that ends up making you give in? It’s the power and fear you unconsciously give to others, your emotional insecurities… Here are some examples:

• My boyfriend asks me to accompany him to a football game, and I absolutely hate going to the stadium; it makes me feel overwhelmed and I don’t enjoy it at all. I’m afraid he might leave me, so I’d rather go to the game.

• My child asks to go to a concert, even though he’s not old enough. His best friends are going, but I don’t think it’s appropriate. I let him go because what will he think of me as a mother? If other mothers let their kids go, maybe it’s not so bad…

• My boss loads me with a presentation that he’s supposed to do, and I’m swamped; I’ll have to do it on Saturday. I don’t say anything because I’m afraid of getting fired or being seen as incompetent.

We could add many more examples. What do these examples have in common? In all cases, I’m agreeing to things I don’t really want to do. The problem arises when we don’t know how to confront those fears and, in the end, we explode with our boyfriend, punish our child for something insignificant, and change jobs because we’re burnt out. Before we reach those extremes, let’s learn to respect what’s important to us.

The key to setting boundaries is assertiveness, the ability to communicate with others by valuing what’s important to us, our thoughts, our rights, and needs.

Knowing how to say no is something we learn, like anything else. For some, it’s very easy, while for others, it’s difficult. If you’re among the latter, here are some tips to start setting your boundaries:

As we discussed, identify the people who make it hard for you to say no.

You can also identify specific situations where it’s more challenging for you to set boundaries. When the situation arises, before responding or agreeing, ask yourself: Is this what I want? What’s important to me? What’s stopping me from saying no? Even if these questions don’t make it easy to say no right away, they will help you identify where that invisible force that makes you accept things comes from. Is it fear of people thinking badly of me? Fear of failure? Fear of rejection?

Identifying the reason you’re agreeing to something you don’t really want to do is a great first step to being true to yourself. Gradually, as you become stronger, I encourage you to use some of these phrases to begin working on assertiveness:

I understand that this is important to you, but for me, it’s important… because of this… and this… (Use empathy and be honest about your values and opinions). I’d like to explain how I feel when you tell me/ask me… (Demonstrate honesty, calmness, and respect). Instead of this proposal you have, what do you think? (I offer alternatives).

Remember, the more you practice, the easier it will be to set your boundaries. Get to know yourself a bit more; ask yourself where the reason for your acceptance when you actually want to say no lies. I’m sure that with practice and persistence, you’ll achieve it.

Image by Freepik

Melinda Sánchez Coach

www.melindasanchezcoach.com