Do you take it personally?
- Melinda Sanchez
- Dec 12, 2024
- 3 min read
There are certain people who seem to have the gift of getting under our skin, of opening a place inside us that directly connects with our negative emotions, as if they’re pointing an imaginary finger at us to make us feel small, foolish, insecure, or like a failure. Does this sound familiar?
For example, Celia has a lifelong friend who just got married to someone named Mario. No matter what he says or does, as soon as he opens his mouth, he manages to make Celia go on the defensive and change her attitude instantly. Celia has wondered many times why she reacts this way to him—Mario seems to take her to a very dark place that she finds hard to escape from. If Celia and I were to reflect on this situation, I would ask her: where do you see the threat? What do you think he’s going through with you?
Often, it’s our internal fears and insecurities that react when interacting with people who may have very different values or priorities from our own. It could also be that our alert mechanisms are triggered when we experience situations that connect us with the past, emotionally difficult experiences we’ve been through.
Here’s another example: Berta has a new boss she doesn’t feel comfortable with; he’s always asking questions and appears to be doubting her work. In the twenty years she’s been working, Berta has had a lot of autonomy. If you asked her boss, he’d tell you Berta is an exceptional employee and he’s very happy with her. So, what’s the problem?
Berta sees her boss as an authoritative figure with whom it’s difficult for her to have a proactive conversation and explain how she’s feeling at work. Berta’s beliefs and behavioral patterns from childhood are deeply ingrained—“listen to the elders,” “don’t question Dad,” and so on. After talking with Berta about this, she decided to have a conversation with her boss using the tools she now has as an adult to confront this type of situation. She asked if there was something she wasn’t doing well because he was asking a lot of questions and seemed not to trust her. Her boss told her the opposite—he was asking a lot because he was new to the position and Berta was giving him all the information he needed. He mentioned how happy he was with her, how he valued her knowledge, and they agreed to grab coffee occasionally to build more trust between them.
Could Berta’s boss also have been proactive in expressing how happy he was with her? Yes, but perhaps he didn’t see it as necessary because he wasn’t aware of how she felt, or maybe he wanted to be cautious at first, giving it a bit more time, or he has his own fears or insecurities. The point is, if you’re the one feeling bad, you’re the one who needs to identify how to feel better.
Many times, we assume a situation is personal when it really isn’t, and it’s our minds that are making us see a reality based on limiting beliefs or past experiences. It could also be that the person who makes you feel uncomfortable has their own issues, triggers their own insecurities, or simply had a bad day. It’s up to you whether or not it affects you.
When you face one of these situations, you can follow these steps:
Breathe and become aware that you’re taking the situation personally—and it may not actually be.
In the moment (if possible) or shortly after, become aware of what emotions this situation with this person is producing in you: anger, frustration, anxiety...
What does or says the other person that makes you feel this way? How do they say it?
What’s that person like? Do I know what personal situation they’re going through? What’s important to them?
Review your values and priorities in life, connect with them.
Is it really a personal issue, or are my insecurities or beliefs getting in the way?
Breathe and reflect on the power you’re giving to the situation.
Decide how to act.
Remember, becoming aware is always the first step. Reflecting and deciding how to take certain things will help you feel liberated from emotional burdens that don’t belong to you. It may not be personal… or it may be, and the liberation is in how you choose to take it.
Image by Freepik
Melinda Sánchez Coach
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