Does it happen to you over and over again?
- Melinda Sanchez
- Dec 13, 2024
- 4 min read
Have you ever found yourself asking yourself: "What am I doing back in this situation again?" You're calm, things seem to flow, and then suddenly you realize that you're facing another uncomfortable situation very similar to one you experienced before—it seems like that situation repeats itself, either with the same or different people, but it always comes up. If you want to know why this happens to you… this is your post.
Let's use an example: Diana has told herself a thousand times that she won’t fall into the same situation with her friend Lucía again. They’ve been friends since childhood, and Lucía has the unfortunate habit of getting into financial trouble over and over again. Diana is always there to help Lucía, lending her support, listening, and even giving her money, only to complain that Lucía never learns and that she finds it frustrating that Lucía always expects her to help.
My question is: What has Diana done so far to change the situation with her friend Lucía? Diana tells me, "I've told her a thousand times that she can't continue like this, that it will end badly, that she needs to be more responsible…" The fact is, nothing changes. Diana is very tired of the situation and feels very bad when she ends up giving Lucía money, yet it keeps happening over and over again.
It's very hard for us to act against our deeply ingrained beliefs. In Diana's case, she's a very loyal person and has never considered setting boundaries with Lucía when it comes to lending her help. That doesn't mean she won’t help, but she’s hurt by the fact that her friend only turns to her when she's in trouble and always has an excuse when she needs something.
Another example: Pablo is tired of being assigned the most menial tasks in his work team. Sometimes they give him something interesting, but the norm is that he ends up doing what no one else wants. When he leaves the office and talks to his friends, he always says the same thing: "I'm not doing anything interesting." When I meet Pablo and he tells me his problem, I ask him: What have you done to make the situation change?
If something repeats and bothers you over and over again, reflect on this:
Describe the situation from your perspective, from where you feel the discomfort. What is it that truly bothers you?
For Diana, it’s that she always ends up giving in.
For Pablo, it’s that he ends up doing what no one wants.
Define the emotion that this discomfort provokes.
Diana feels disappointed in herself for not being able to say no to Lucía and always giving in.
Pablo feels frustrated because his work is always the same.
What would be important to you in this situation?
Diana wants her friend to respect and truly value their friendship.
Pablo wants to do work that motivates him.
What have you done so far to achieve what is important to you?
Diana has told Lucía a thousand times that she can’t continue like this, that she needs to change, etc.
Pablo has tried to assert himself when it comes to choosing tasks in the team but is always left behind.
Up to this point, we’ve analyzed the situation. Most of the time, we don’t realize that in situations like these, we fall into the same patterns because we let our autopilot take over, a pilot guided by our beliefs and ways of thinking. Often, we don’t realize that we can choose to act differently to get out of that situation or prevent it from recurring.
To start seeing the situation from another angle, ask yourself these questions:
If it were someone else going through this situation, what would you recommend to them?
What is stopping you from doing what you would recommend to someone else?
When we understand that something is holding us back from setting our boundaries with someone or a situation, the best approach is to develop a very concrete action plan.
Let’s continue with the examples. In Diana’s case, it’s her sense of loyalty to her friend that prevents her from telling Lucía that she won’t lend her money anymore and that their friendship should be mutual support. In Pablo’s case, conflict makes him fearful, so he prefers to keep his head down rather than confront a situation that makes him feel bad and unmotivated.
We all know that getting out of our comfort zone is hard, precisely because we do it so infrequently and it’s something against our autopilot mode. If you want changes, the key is to do things differently. These are Diana and Pablo’s plans:
Diana created a conversation outline with all the points she wanted to highlight about how she felt in her friendship with Lucía.
Pablo worked on how to assert himself, preparing a conversation with his boss in which he clearly stated what he wanted to do.
Both broke a pattern that repeated itself over and over again and now feel more at peace. So, what about you…? What would you like to stop repeating in your life?
Image by Freepik
Melinda Sánchez Coach
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