My reality… Is it your reality?

My reality is clear; I know what I see, hear, and feel… We live in a world of constant stimuli, to which the first thing that appears is a thought. This thought can be positive or negative, conscious or unconscious, but as soon as a thought is generated, we feel an emotion and act according to that emotion. Today, I’m going to talk about why my reality may not be the same as yours; what I see and feel may be very clear to me, but it doesn’t have to be as clear to others.

Let’s consider an example: Patricia and Laura are on the same team and work together. In the past two months, they have worked on a project that has generated quite a bit of stress and to which they have dedicated many hours. The project has ended and the result, according to their boss, has been very good. Laura agrees that the project turned out well, but Patricia feels differently; she believes they could have extended the project duration to draw more conclusions and is not entirely in agreement with the evaluation of the outcome, thinking it could have been better. Why aren’t Patricia’s and Laura’s realities the same despite the same outcome?

We could say there aren’t very obvious differences between Patricia and Laura that would distance them from the same reality: they are both calm, polite, friends, like doing a good job, have a good relationship with their colleagues, enjoy sports, going out with friends, etc.… The differences that aren’t so obvious are in their values and beliefs.

Beliefs, which form part of our identity, can be of two types:

1. Those we acquire approximately from ages 0 to 6 in the family environment, at school, etc., which we accept as certain because at that age our brains are not yet fully developed to include logic and reflection. For example: at home, you should always help, children don’t cry, things must be done well, if you misbehave, there are consequences, etc.

2. Those we acquire through experience. If something we do serves us well and we benefit from it, we integrate it for when it happens again, and if something goes wrong or makes us feel bad, our brain tries to protect us to prevent it from happening again. We try to repeat good experiences and avoid the bad ones.

   
   

Patricia had a very strict education; in her home, doing well was not enough—one had to strive for excellence and there was no room for error if she didn’t want to face consequences. Her behavior for many years was focused on doing things very well to avoid discomfort, so her mind is predisposed to seek excellence. In contrast, Laura had a childhood in which her parents helped her study, reinforced her achievements, and guided her through overcoming and understanding her mistakes or minor failures. Laura doesn’t seek excellence; she feels comfortable when things are done well and the result is good.

This is an example of how our beliefs influence our daily lives. Sometimes, we don’t realize that in a given situation, it’s not our current self responding, but rather the acquired behavior pattern or our beliefs.

People’s realities can also differ if a situation brings one of their values into play. Each person’s values guide us in life, give us our identity, and make us take certain decisions in different situations. Values are closely related to our beliefs.

For example, for Patricia, effort in all senses is very important. In this case of the joint project with Laura, Laura feels a bit pressured because Patricia never finds it sufficient, and Patricia doesn’t understand why Laura doesn’t strive more to achieve a much better result. As we see, their realities are different because their values and beliefs are different.

These situations happen to us daily; often, we don’t understand why a certain person reacts differently, which is very different from our way of seeing things. Each person has different values and beliefs, and even though we may share them, it’s possible that each person may prioritize them differently. So, what should we do? Use empathy and remember that although we may appear very similar, we have a distinct identity that should be respected. With just one question, we could empathize with the other person: What is important to him or her? If you don’t know, I invite you to ask; when you do, you will begin to understand their reality.

Image by Freepik

Melinda Sánchez Coach

www.melindasanchezcoach.com