The Power of Forgiveness (Part I)

Does it cost you to forgive? Do you bite your tongue several times before asking for forgiveness and, even when you do, you still think you are right? Are you one of those who ‘forgives but doesn’t forget’? Today, I’m going to talk to you about the benefits that forgiveness brings to our lives when we truly feel it, when we forgive or ask for forgiveness from the heart.

Forgiveness is something that, in every sense, liberates us. When we truly forgive, it lifts a weight off our shoulders, helps us move forward, close circles, and toxic relationships, and helps us release negative emotions like hate, resentment, sorrow, and anguish.

When we ask for forgiveness, we feel liberated from guilt, resentment, we learn to show ourselves vulnerable, it helps silence our ego... So, why is it so hard to forgive or ask for forgiveness?

To understand it better, I am going to separate the act of forgiving and the act of asking for forgiveness into two distinct posts. Today, let’s start with the power of forgiving.

Why is it hard to forgive?

The simplest answer is: because something someone has said or done has had a negative impact on you, it has generated a negative emotion within you. For example, it has made you feel: pain, anguish, insecurity, sorrow, etc. It’s harder to forgive the more importance or relevance your reality gives to that fact. Remember that our reality and personality are formed by our values, beliefs, and experiences. The same event may be perceived differently by different people, since we have different values, beliefs, and experiences. The person doing something may do it intentionally or not… you may perceive it as intentional or not… what matters is the internal dialogue you have in your head, the reality with which you view it.

Normally, when someone hurts us, for whatever reason, our inner voice awakens on one hand our ego and/or several of our inner saboteurs.

• Our ego awakens the voice that tells us: this person is going to get it, they think they are smarter than me, this is not going to end this way, I’m not like this…, etc. The ego always takes precedence.

• And our inner saboteurs awaken when there are voices that tell us, for example: Why me, if I don’t deserve it? (victim) Next time, avoid this person no matter what (protection and security) I deserve this (guilt) You never learn, you deserve this (self-expectation) In any case, these inner voices, mostly unconscious, make us give more strength to those thoughts, generating a chain of negative emotions. Have you ever experienced that, even after some time has passed, just remembering the damage done by “so-and-so” still provokes the same negative emotion: hatred, resentment, anguish, insecurity…?

  
  

To release these negative emotions, the key is in forgiveness from the heart. It’s not enough to say: “Okay, I forgive you” and continue feeling the same negative emotion towards the person. The only person harmed by that negative emotion is you, so if you want to be able to free yourself from it once and for all, be aware of:

Which voice speaks to you when you think about that fact you want to forgive, is it self-protection?, is it guilt?, is it your demanding side? These voices can be worked on in coaching to manage them with self-awareness and personal growth. What role does your ego play in the situation? Why did it feel damaged? Reflect on the fact itself, what happened and what it makes you feel. Put words to the emotions. How did it make you feel?, hurt?, anguished?, angry?… When we put words to our emotions, we understand better what is going on and it helps us bring clarity to the situation. How much power are you giving to that person and that fact that still makes you feel these negative emotions? You are the one who gives power to the thought, if you decide not to give it, you won’t give it to the person either, the emotion will start to fade. Use the power of compassion. We all make mistakes and each of us is governed by a different set of values, beliefs, and experiences. Not everyone has lived the same, nor would we do the same in that situation. Each person, no matter how much it hurts, is different from us. Resentment, hatred, bitterness, anger, revenge… Do you want to stay with these emotions or would you prefer to free yourself from them?

The most important thing: if it hurts so much, it is because somehow, what has happened, clashes directly with your values, your essence, something that you would never do, never say… Not all of us are the same, nor are we at the same level of personal growth, nor at the same level of consciousness. Forgiveness from the heart is about bringing your awareness to calm your ego, to see the fact from a conscious perspective, to accept it, and to silence the inner saboteurs to release emotions that only do damage to ourselves.

Forgiveness does not mean that what was done to us is okay, it’s letting it go, it’s accepting that it happened, and that you consciously decide to free yourself from it.

Forgiveness helps us improve our relationships, reduce anxiety, release negative emotions, generate positive emotions consciously, improve our self-esteem, keep our ego in check and, above all, cut the cord that ties us through a negative emotion to another person, who may no longer even be a part of your life.

Transform the weight you give to that fact that hurt you into compassion and mental maturity, extract the learning, breathe, and liberate yourself with forgiveness. Thank you for trying.

Image by Freepik

Melinda Sánchez Coach

www.melindasanchezcoach.com