This person yes… This person no…

Why do we connect with some people and not with others? Why do some people we meet seem to click with us, while others generate a sense of rejection? We have people around us with whom we can spend hours talking, and time flies by, making us feel very good, while there are others whom we try to avoid or dedicate as little time as possible.

As I've mentioned in other posts, each one of us possesses a distinct identity, formed by our values, principles that define us, and our beliefs, which shape how we see the world through our experiences.

Let’s imagine an example. If I ask Lucas, 'What is most important to you in life?', 'What do you value the most?', after some thought, he might tell me: respect, honesty, humility, safety, and justice. Lucas’s beliefs are influenced by these values.

Imagine Lucas has just met Jorge, who is going to replace one of his friends with whom he plays padel every week. He doesn’t know him at all, but there’s something about Jorge that puts him on edge right away. After playing the match, Lucas doesn’t stick around for the post-match drinks; he gives a quick excuse and goes home feeling quite annoyed by Jorge’s behavior during the game. What happened to Lucas? Talking to him about the match and Jorge’s attitude, he mentions how Jorge was going all out in the game, challenging the points of his opponents, and making tasteless jokes about the strength of his playing partner and friend. That’s what Lucas saw in Jorge. If you ask the friend who introduced them, he’d say about Jorge: 'he’s a great guy, very fun and great to work with, a real star.' Are they talking about the same person?

We view others through the lens of our values and beliefs, shaped by our experiences. Lucas feels uncomfortable with someone like Jorge because they have very different values. Additionally, if we add to this that he’s had bad experiences with people like Jorge before, it’s clear that Lucas will struggle to enjoy his company.

We tend to label people who are different from us: 'he’s a know-it-all,' 'he’s a bore,' 'he’s weak,' 'he’s a whiner,' etc. These labels create a bigger gap between you and the other person. The reality is this: 'for me, this guy is a know-it-all,' 'for me, this guy is a bore,' etc., because that’s how you see it, considering what you value in life and what your experiences tell you. But those people we label have their best friends too.

Another reason some people don’t sit well with us or we don’t connect with them is because sometimes what bothers us so much are, at their core, behaviors we don’t like in ourselves. We can see them outwardly, but we find it hard to detect them in ourselves or we simply ignore them.

In summary, this reflection is aimed at one goal: when a person makes you feel uncomfortable because of their behavior, their way of being, or something specific, it doesn’t mean you have to feel good about it; the goal is to reduce the discomfort they generate.

How do I do this? When you encounter one of these people, ask yourself these questions: considering how they behave, what do I believe is important to this person?, what do I think their beliefs will be? These questions help us understand that each of us has an identity made up of our values and beliefs, plus the life experiences of that person, which usually remain unknown to us, shaping their behavior. By asking ourselves these questions, we are developing empathy to understand that each person carries their own 'backpack' and we don’t know what load the person in front of us carries.

Each person is as they are, and you can’t change that, but what you feel when you’re with certain people can change. Just by asking yourself: 'what might their experiences be?', 'what might be in their backpack…?' You’re likely to feel better. Do you feel like trying it?

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Melinda Sánchez Coach

www.melindasanchezcoach.com